Professor Smith-He's Back!
by Lazarus Risen
Summary: Don't read this if you haven't read Professor Snape and Professor Smith yet! For those of you that have...well, Smith just keeps driving Snape crazy. Sequel, NOT a slash.
1. Glaring Lesson

Professor Smith

                                       He's Back!

Chapter 1-The Lesson of Glaring

       Professor Snape was not looking forward to the next year. Professor Smith, the dim-witted and dumb fool that had had the Defense Against the Dark Arts job last year was coming back. They hated each other. Professor Smith was also the goofiest person that Snape had ever met. He always wore a cheesy grin, but Snape had discovered last year that Smith was actually a pretty normal guy who loved to annoy and torment uptight people until they, too, became crazy. Professor Smith's full name is Smith Smith. He has two last names for a name, but he proved that wrong last year, as Snape overheard a conversation between Professor McGonagall and him.

       _"Hello. You must be the new DADA teacher," said Professor McGonagall "What's your name?"_

_       "Professor Smith Smith," Professor Smith had said cheerfully._

_       "Why, you have two last names for a name!" McGonagall had cried out astonishingly._

_       "No," Smith had said simply "Two first names."_

       Yes, Snape was back right where he started…he entered the Great Hall and saw Professor Smith waving enthusiastically at him, pointing to the seat to his right, with a humongous smile on his face. Fists clenched, Snape walked over and took the seat, as it was only one there that was empty.

       "Hiya, Snapey!" gushed Smith, and began to glog down his milk-the usual routine. Snape glared at Smith's new crimson womanly bag with matching tassels. It was so…unmanly. Smith wasn't a cross dresser, so why did he carry such a girly-girl bag?

       "Hello, Smith," said Snape painfully. He took a small bite of his toast. He slammed it down on the table and tried to make human contact with the Smith alien. "Smith, have you ever had glaring lessons?"

       "Why would I want to glare?" Smith said gaudily. He put a pretzel stick in his mouth. He looked like he was smoking it.

       "Um…Smith? That's a pretzel…not a cigarette," said Snape slowly.

       'No, it's not." Smith argued. He took the pretzel stick out of his mouth, looked at it for a couple of seconds, and sighed. He threw it on the ground and stepped on it.

       Snape stared at Smith. "What happened?" he asked Smith.

       Smith sighed again and said "It burned out." Then he took out an actual cigarette. He put it in his mouth and started chewing like a goat.

       "OH MY GOD!" shouted Snape, ready to burst out laughing at Smith's foolishness. "What are you doing? That's a cigarette, not chewable tobacco!"

       "Of course it's not. It's a pretzel." Smith spat it out in a bucket that had just magically appeared out of nowhere.

       "Doesn't it taste…funny?" asked Snape curiously.

       "No. It tastes good!" shouted Smith. "What were you saying about glaring?"

       "I'm here to teach you how to glare. Now, pick a victim…just not a Slytherin." He added warningly.

       Smith scanned the crowd, holding his hands up to his eyes like binoculars. "OK!" he said after a couple of minutes of student gazing.

       "Now, watch me glare at this Ravenclaw," said Snape. He turned to an innocent new Ravenclaw. He arched one eyebrow high, screwed up his nose, and put his mouth in a strange position-one half was down really low, the other half was at medium height. The Ravenclaw appeared to be speechless for a second, and then returned to eating and talking.

       Smith stared at him, still smiling. Obviously, Dumbledore had been watching. Dumbledore started laughing hysterically.

       "Oh, shut up," Snape muttered under his breath. He turned back to Smith. "Now you try on me, so I can see if you're doing it correctly."

       Smith continued to smile at him. "GLARE, you idiot!" shouted Snape, throwing his arms in the air in rage. Some Gryffindors stared at him. He glared his _glare_ (A/N: Not glare_, glare_!) at them, and they stopped staring instantly, and turned their attention to Professor Smith, who was still smiling cheekily at Snape, showing off those pearly whites of his. They glimmered brightly, and Snape had to avert his eyes to the floor.

       "Will you glare please?" Snape whispered, slowly and patiently, as though waiting for a preschooler to give him the answer to a simple Potions question.

       Finally, Snape could see out of the corner of his eye, Smith glaring exactly as he did.

       "Good!" exclaimed Snape, bringing his head up. "Now, try it on your victim."

       Suddenly, Smith looked over at the Slytherin table and glared at Draco Malfoy.

       "NOOOOO!" shouted Snape, waving his hand frantically in front of Smith's face to get his attention. "No, no, no! Not a Slytherin! Pick a Gryffindor! A Hufflepuff! Ravenclaw! _Anybody_ but a Slytherin! And why did you have to choose _him_? He's my favorite! YOU'RE SICK!" Snape stood up and ran out of the Great Hall, heading for his office.

       You wouldn't catch him back there until Smith had wised up!


	2. The Crazy Potion

Chapter 2

The Crazy Potion

       The next morning, Snape was back in the Great Hall. Dumbledore had given him a talking-to about how to control his temper. Dumbledore expected him to be back in the Great Hall in the morning. Snape didn't dare disobey Dumbledore, so there he was, sitting next to Smith's vacant seat. Smith, obviously, wasn't here yet.

       "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" sang out a familiar voice. It sounded like it was coming from the Entrance Hall.

       "LAAAAAAAAAAA LAAAA LAAAAA LAAAAAA!" the voice continued to sing out. Finally, Smith came bursting into the Great Hall, both arms holding rather large bags of lemons.

       "Lemons?" asked Snape curiously as Smith sat down next to him. "What are these _lemons_ for?"

       "The Lemon Fair that's being held in London this weekend!" said Smith cheerily, beaming at him.

       "Is this a Muggle event?" sighed Snape.

       "Yeah," Smith said seriously, not smiling anymore. "You got a problem with that?"

       "No," said Snape, taken aback. "No, I was just wondering why you were going,"

       "Oh," said Smith. "Well, I'm going because I'm Muggle-born, I haven't seen my parents since I graduated, and I'm going to meet them there."

       "Oh, I'm sorry," said Snape.

       "What's there to be sorry about?" asked Smith, bewildered. He was still talking normally.

       "Well, you haven't seen your parents since you graduated," explained Snape "And…isn't that something to be sorry about? I mean, I visit my parents for a short while every summer."

       "Well, la de da for you," muttered Smith. "I'll see you later." Then he stomped out of the Great Hall, still carrying the lemons.

* * * * * * * * *

SMITH'S POV 

       Well, the nerve of that guy. I mean, why don't you make me feel worse about my parents? Brag, brag, brag, that's all he ever does. How cold can you get, Snape? How cold can you get?

       Well, I think I'm going to concoct a Crazy Potion for him. Get him to tell me the password to his private quarters, and I'll drive him crazy the whole night! YES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

       Now, where did I put my wand?

       Snape yawned as he got dressed for the day. He considered wearing his dark purple robe, but decided against it. Even though it looked a lot like black, somebody would notice that it was purple, eventually. He put on his custom black robe and headed to the Great Hall. (A/N: Sorry about all this Great Hall stuff, but Smith and Snape avoid each other otherwise.)

       Smith was waiting up there for him at the High Table, holding a designer water bottle in his right hand, waving it high in the air. Snape sighed and sat down next to Smith.

       "Why are you waving that water bottle high in the air?" asked Snape, exasperated. 

       "Because it's water, and I want ya to drink it!" shouted Smith like a five year old.

       "Oh, fine," snapped Snape and grabbed the water bottle out of Smith's hand roughly. He took a sip and…

       "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Snape, and stood on the High Table. He started kicking around the food on the table. Smith grabbed him by the hem of Snape's robes and dragged him to his seat.

       "Now, Snape," said Smith.

       "CROCODILES!" screamed the insane Snape at the top of his lungs.

       Smith was starting to understand why Snape thought it was very annoying when he acted insanely.

       "Now, Severus," said Smith calmly. "I need you to tell me where your private quarters are and what the password to it is."

       "My quarters are on the third floor, fourth picture to the right!" Snape spilled. Then he spilled his milk.

       "What's the password?"

       "MIGHTY MOUSE!" shouted Snape.

       "Thanks," said Smith, and whacked Snape on the back of the head with his new crimson bag.

       "Hey…what happened?" asked Snape, rubbing the back of his head. He was back to normal.

       "Nothing," said Smith evilly, and went back to his porridge. It was too cold, so he took Snape's.

       "Oh, you little monkey!" said Snape, clutching his fists.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

       Smith crept up to the portrait fourth to the right on the third floor. Before him stood a giant picture of a man smiling cheekily down at him. The man had long, blonde hair that went down to his chest, and a beanie cap perched atop his head; he was wearing a surfer outfit and he was clutching a blue surfboard to his side.

       "Password, dude?" asked the surfer.

       "Mighty Mouse," said Smith. The surfer dude smiled even more big (if that was possible) and swung forward to admit him.

       "Brilliant," thought Smith "No one would ever think that portrait lead to Snape's quarters- I mean, the portrait is so not Snape!" 

       Smith led himself into Snape's bedroom, which was covered in posters of potion bottles. Potion bottles lined the shelf; a cauldron was sitting in the far left corner. The cauldron was covered in unicorn stickers. There were also posters of dragons. Smith went over to Snape's wardrobe and saw an assortment of black robes, and a couple of royal purple ones. There was also a frayed wizard hat sitting on the inside of the door. Smith assumed it was from Snape's school days.

       Smith closed the wardrobe door and walked over to Snape's bathroom, with was also covered in black. There was a black marble bathtub about six feet deep, a black marble sink, and a toilet covered in black cushioning. The shower curtains were black also. All the towels were peach, and they clashed horribly with the black.

       Smith tiptoed back to Snape's bedroom. He took out the small gong from his bag and took out the stick. He banged it several times, screaming "WAKE UP, SNAPE!"

       "WAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHH!" shouted Snape, sitting up. He saw Smith and screamed. Smith smiled down at him.

       This was going to be a fun night of torturing…

A/N: Well, here ends the second chapter. More coming soon! Oh, and review!


	3. REFERENCE-or a disclaimer, you pick.

REFERENCE

OK, since I don't feel like writing the stupid disclaimer in every chapter, it's going here:

I don't own anything. I don't own Snape an all the other people. Sophie and I own Professor Smith. I own Snape's portrait (I think).I own the "solitary confinement", which you will see later in the story. I own nothing else. Oh, and Sophie thought of the Crazy Potion thing, only her version was much longer. BTW, Sophie is one of my best friends, in case you were wondering. OK, Bye!

Your favorite author, 

Jackie

A.K.A. Me123


	4. Smith The Ballet Dancer

Chapter 3

S Smith The Ballet Dancer

       The next morning, Snape stomped to the Great Hall, trying to plot his revenge. He couldn't think of anything at the moment, so he decided to knock himself with a hammer a couple of times before he entered the Great Hall.

       Snape checked his watch and saw that he was late for breakfast. He slammed open the doors to the Great Hall and walked past the House tables, his cloak billowing behind him. His boxers were coming down a little bit (A/N: For you Snape fans out there who care, the boxers had bunnies on them), so he tugged them back up. Snape saw Harry and Company snigger as he tugged on his boxers, who refused to stay up and kept sliding down to his thighs. Snape decided to just ignore it, when the boxers slid down to his buttocks. Snape turned red and pulled them up as hard as he could. The boxers stayed and Snape continued the long and embarrassing walk to the High Table. All the Gryffindors were laughing hysterically at him, and sat down next to Professor Smith, his head in his hands.

       "Embarrassed, huh?" squealed Smith, who took a large bite out of his pumpkin pasty.

       "Well, you'd think that would be obvious?" muttered Snape, and took his head out of his hands and grabbed some deviled eggs.

       "Yeah," said Smith, and took a camera out of his bag. "Can I take your picture?" He held the camera in front of his face, and grinned eagerly at Snape.

       "No, you idiot," said Snape simply, and continued with his breakfast.

       Smith looked disappointed, and ate his breakfast without saying another word to Snape. Snape saw this as a reward for his patience, and ate the rest of his toast happily.

*&^*&^*&^*&^**&^

       While Snape sat at his desk in the dungeons (A/N: Finally, a change of scenery! Were you getting sick of the Great Hall and breakfast?) a brilliant idea struck him for revenge on Smith. He could turn him into a ballet dancer! Yes, Smith definitely deserved it. Snape would put Smith in a pink tutu, a pink tank top, and Snape would put Smith's hair in a bun. For added horror, he would put pink butterfly clips in Smith's hair, plus pink sparkles. Yes, it was the perfect idea! Also, Smith wouldn't be able to get out of the costume or get rid of his accessories for twenty-four hours! Snape started to do a little victory dance when he remembered he was teaching a class and desisted.

       The curse would take place in the evening…once Snape found the proper combination of spells to make someone a ballet dancer with all that other stuff. He would have to skip lunch and search for spells in the library. "But," Snape thought to himself as he headed toward the library later "It's not really that much of a loss."

&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&

       Snape strode to the Great Hall that evening, holding his wand. It had taken so long to find the right arrangement of spells that he had to cancel two of his classes.

       Snape sat next to Smith, who was doing a little dance. Smith was shaking his booty, waving his arms in the air to imaginary music.

       "Ooo-ooo!" shouted Smith "Oo-Oo HEY!" Then Smith sat down. Snape stared at him oddly (what else was new?).

       "I heard that…um…" Snape had forgotten what he was going to say to Smith before he cast the curse, so he decided to think fo something on the spot. "I heard that the _Nutcracker_ is going to London this weekend. Aren't you going to London for the Lemon Festival thing?"

       "Yeah," said Smith, grabbing some steak with his bare hands. Professor McGonagall looked at him in disgust and passed the tray to Professor Trelawny with a fake smile on her face. "I didn't hear about the ballet though. I'll go see it." Smith sighed and said, "I always wanted to be a ballerina…"

       "Really?" said Snape "Well, then…" Snape raised his wand in the air and shouted the fist spell to put Smith in a tutu. "Tuiouculus!" Suddenly, Smith was wearing a tutu.

       "Tanyuiculous!" Smith was wearing a tank top. "Buttermotorly Pinkio!" Smith had pink butterfly clips in his hair. "Pinkio Sparkulo!"  Smith had pink sparkled in his hair. "Buncrucio!" Smith had his brown hair in a bun. "Tiptoeshoes!" Snith had ballerina slippers on his abnormally large feet.

       "Wow! Thanks, pal!" exclaimed Smith, and hugged Snape. "Now I can join the circus!"

       "Whoever said you weren't already part of it?" Snape called to Smith as he skipped away, singing "I'm A Barbie Girl."

       Before Smith could exit the Great Hall, however, Dumbledore Apparated (spelling?) right in front of Smith and dragged him back to the HighTable. Then he dragged both Snape and Smith into the Entrance Hall.

       "Listen, you two," said Dumbledore "I've had enough of your bickering. I usually don't do this to teachers…" Dumbledore sighed "But I believe this should stop before it gets out of hand. Follow me." Dumbledore walked toward the staircase. Snape and Smith followed him.

       After quite a bit of walking, Dumbledore ushered them both into a room that was covered in yellow paint. Little butterflies were painted on there too. There was a yellow couch with butterfly shaped pillows, and two yellow beds on the opposite side of the room. There was also a mini-fridge.

       "Welcome," said Dumbledore "To 'solitary' confinement."


	5. 'Solitary' Confinement

Chapter 4

"Solitary" Confinement

A/N: I probably won't be able to post this until June, so sorry for the long wait! And, I don't own that choose-the-bed thing, I took that from a Friends episode, I can't remember the name… OK, here we go…

       Snape looked at Dumbledore, puzzled. What did he mean, "solitary" confinement? How could it be solitary, because he was stuck with Smith…oh no. He was stuck in a butterfly filled room with Smith for who knows how long. Well, wasn't this the greatest day of his life (not)?

       "Headmaster," said Snape, anxiety filled in his voice. "Um, how long will we be staying here, exactly?"

       "Precisely forty eight hours. The whole weekend," replied Dumbledore, trying to fix his wizard hat, which kept sliding over his eyes.   

       "WHAT?" said Smith, jumping up from the yellow couch, throwing the butterfly pillow across the room. "But this weekend I meet my parents for the first time since I graduated!" Snape almost felt sorry for Smith-almost.

       "Well, you should've though of that before," said Dumbledore, ending the matter. "Good weekend to you gentlemen. You can't escape." Then Dumbledore quietly closed the door behind him. Snape saw Dumbledore doing a little dance as he walked away, singing "Sweet Victory".

       "Well, this is just great!" grumbled Snape, sinking into the yellow couch.

       "Yes, it is!" squealed Smith, sitting down next to Snape, sucking his thumb.

       Snape groaned in exasperation and buried his head under the pillow. Why, _why_, did Dumbledore have to put him through this? Smith tried to whistle "On Top Of Spaghetti" but wasn't succeeding, because he was still sucking his thumb.

       Snape tried to end the insanity (at least for now) by asking Smith which bed he wanted.

       "You pick! Either one!" cried Smith, throwing his arms in the air in mock surprise. Why he was surprised in any way, shape, or form, was a mystery to Snape.

       Snape walked over to the bed on the right, and Smith squealed "Not that one!" So Snape walked over to the left of the room to the other yellow bed. Snape threw himself on it, trying to fall asleep, but it wasn't working. It wasn't working because Smith was twirling around the room, singing "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof. 

       "TRADITION…TRADITION…tradition!" bellowed out Smith, knocking over the table. Finally, Smith collapsed onto his bed.

       "Finally," Snape muttered under his breath. Before he had barely closed his eyes, Smith was up again, skipping in circles, singing the Alphabet Song.

       "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY and Z! Now I know my ABCs! Next time won't you sing with me?" sang out Smith like a four year old.

       "No, I will never sing a song with you if my life depended on it," mumbled Snape, head still pressed tightly against the pillow, trying to block out Smith's voice. It wasn't working.

       "Oh, little town of Bethlehem! Walking in a winter wonderland! I see the great big wild blue yonder…" Smith's voice boomed, echoing five times. He was combining different songs and tunes into one messed up song.

       "Please, God, make the pain end…" Snape muttered to himself. Apparently, God wasn't listening, because Smith started to sing the most annoying song in the world…

       "All side inside out, she's livin' La Vida Loca!" sang Smith, prancing around the room.

       "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANYTHING BUT RICKY MARTIN!!!!" screamed Snape, finally getting up. He ran to the door and tried every idea he could possibly think of to get the door open, but nothing was working. Dumbledore was right. He was trapped.

       Snape ran up to Smith and grabbed Smith by the collar. "You listen to me," said Snape in hasty breaths "I want you to stop messing around. If I have to be stuck in a room with you for forty-eight hours, then you're going to have to BE QUIET. Unless that's going to be too hard for you…then you're going to have to answer to Madam Hooch, who will strangle you with her bare hands, since I am too tired to beat you up right now!" Then Snape let go of Smith's collar and stomped over to his bed.

       Smith stayed quiet for about…(checks watch) thirty seconds. Then he started prancing again, this time singing "Polka Power!" by Weird Al Yankovich.

       Snape roared and lunged after to Smith, arms straight out. Smith appeared to be scared and leapt over to one side. Then Snape got control of his temper again and sat on the couch. He sighed and hugged a pillow. He could feel Smith's craziness creeping into his veins…it was taking over him…he could feel himself becoming as crazy as Smith…the transformation was almost complete…he, soon, would be just as crazy and odd as Smith…

       "NO!" shrieked Snape, standing up. "I refuse to become a part of the lunatic community at St. Mungo's! No! No! I won't!"

       "Why not?" asked Smith, puzzled.

       "Because," gasped Snape, clutching his fists and staring Smith straight in the face. "I am Professor Severus Snape, and I am not a crazy person. I may have an occasional weird moment, but I am generally a normal person. You can be whatever you want, Professor Smith, but I am, and always will be, Professor Snape…the meanest teacher ever." With that, Snape walked over to his bed and fell straight asleep. Then, a shocking moment took place.

       Professor Smith was unable to say anything. Snape had achieved the impossible-he had made Smith shut up for more than five minutes. Smith decided to go to bed too (not before taking a carton of milk from the mini-fridge) and fell asleep.

       It wasn't the end though. Oh no, even when things continued through the same routine in the "solitary" confinement, it wasn't the end. There would never be an end. Just wait until the next chapter, when they are both released from "solitary" confinement.

       And may I remind you all, Smith was wearing the ballerina outfit this entire chapter.


	6. Releasment (and the annoying song Smith ...

Chapter 5

Released (and Smith's annoying song)

A/N: I own: Yankee, Michael, the magical talking bunny (both of them) Ramon, Carlos, Rose, and Kimball. I own nothing else. Now, enjoy reading!

Snape rolled over on his bed, trying to make his horrible dream end. It was about him being stuck in magical land. A magical talking bunny had told him it was called "Baldric Land" (A/N: BTW, for those who have read HP Characters Gone Mad, I still don't know what a baldric is!) and that he needed to find the magical paper clip before he could get out of Baldric Land through the purple and pink sparkle. Snape had so far encountered a giant lollipop with Harry Potter's face, a tiny little acorn that could talk (and that gave him the wrong directions) and a police officer with rather hairy arms that was lost. He was about to come face-to-face with the giant banana when he woke up.

       Snape sat upright in his bed, shaking with sweat. He had done a lot of running in the dream. This was proved by the bedsheets that were sprawled on the floor, and the fact that one of his legs was up in the air.

       Meanwhile, Smith was still snoring loudly on the other side of the room. Snape wondered what _he_ was dreaming about…

       Smith was having the best dream ever. He was stuck in a magical land a magical talking bunny wearing a birthday hat and had on an orange tie with purple stripes and was wearing a fireman suit had called "Casio No Land". Smith had so far met a fireman that couldn't find his way home, a helmet in need of a baldric (whatever that was), a giant talking lemon that led him straight to a Ferris wheel, where the seats were shaped like penguins, a penguin, a little girl named Michael, Ramon, who happened to be a white sponge on a quest to clean his laundry, a boat by the name of Carlos, trying to get back to the docks, an orange car that was in the shape of a-wow-a penguin, who kept screaming "Rapidity on! Rapidity on!", a paintbrush that had lost its paint, a ball of yarn named Yankee, who had helped him find a silver tongue to buy more baldrics for the helmet, and a tree named Kimball. He was about to meet a dandelion named Rose, when he woke up also.

       "Cool! I had the coolest dream!" shouted Smith, jumping out of his bed.

       Now, we go back to Snape…

       (A/N: Before we continue with the story, I would just like to tell everyone I know what a baldric is now! YAY!)

       Snape got out of bed and put on his clothes behind a curtain. He didn't know what day it was (Monday); he had lost track of time. So, in spite of the loud protests in his head, he put on a-gasp-purple robe! (DUN DUN DUN!)

       When he emerged from behind the curtain, Smith was staring at Snape's purple robes, dumbfounded. Smith stood there for quite some time, until he realized that he had to change too, and put up his curtain and got dressed into splendid robes of maroon.

       Snape twiddled his thumbs, waiting for Smith to finish getting dressed, and stared at the ceiling, counting all the butterflies. He had grown more increasingly insane the more time he had spent in that dreaded room.

       Suddenly, as Smith was finishing putting on his toe socks, the door burst open and there stood Dumbledore.

       "Your time is up," declared Dumbledore, not even noticing Snape's change of color in wardrobe. "You may come into the Great Hall for breakfast now." (A/N: Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast. I believe I'M becoming sick of breakfast. I have to change this plot a wee bit…no more breakfast after THIS chapter!)

       Snape was mortified. How could he walk into the Great Hall, in front of everyone, wearing purple robes? It was wrong! Why was he wearing purple, anyway? What in the world had possessed him to wear _purple_? Why hadn't he listened to his conscience screaming in his head "DON'T WEAR PURPLE, YOU NINNY!" for Merlin's sake?

       "Headmaster, would it be possible if I could change my robes?" Snape asked timidly, knowing what the answer was going to be.

       "Certainly not," said Dumbledore, still pretending not to notice Snape was wearing purple.

       "Sir, I need to put on my shoes," said Smith, pointing to his toe socks. (A/N: I _hate_ toe socks; that's why I'm putting them on Smith's smelly feet! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! REVENGE IS MINE! *clears throat* Um, back to the story…*blushes*)

       "No, you'll just have to go with no shoes," said Dumbledore merrily, as though nothing in the world would excite him more than Smith wearing no shoes.

       They all proceeded down to the Great Hall, Dumbledore grabbing a scroll of parchment from a small table as they walked through the Entrance Hall.

       Dumbledore opened the doors with a flick of his wand, and all chatter stopped as they saw Dumbledore enter with a no-shoes Smith and a purple-robe Snape.

       Finally, everyone started to laugh. Snape glared at everyone, and they all shut up immediately.

       When they reached the High Table, Dumbledore made Smith stand on his left, and Snape on his right. Dumbledore opened the scroll and started to read what was written on it.

_       Dear friends, this is an example of real_

Suddenly, the scroll snapped shut. Dumbledore sighed and unrolled it again.

       _Dear friends, this is an example of real rivalry. As you all may know, Professor Snape and Professor Smith have been competing ever since Professor Smith has arrived at this school. I was forced to put them in a room together, before someone was hurt…_

       Then, the scroll flew across the room for no apparent reason into Harry Potter's hands. Harry stood up and ran to the Dumbledore, giving him back the scroll, then ran back to his table.

       "Thank you, Harry," said Dumbledore, unrolling the scroll for the third time. He cleared his throat and continued reading.

       _I was forced to put them in a room together, before someone was hurt. Now look at them. Snape is wearing purple robes…_

       "How did you know I was going to be wearing purple robes?" asked Snape.

       "Shut up, I'm reading," replied Dumbledore. He continued to read the scroll.

       _Snape is wearing purple robes and Smith has no shoes on. They have been driven into insanity, all because of what? Because of their dislike- ness for each other._

       "I am not insane!" Smith and Snape shouted at the same time. They grinned at each other. A bonding moment.

       _Let this be a lesson to all of you. Don't let your hate grow into…super-duper-scooter hate, because you will end up at St.Mungos._

_       THE END._

       Everyone in the Great Hall clapped and continued with their food.

       Smith and Snape crawled (figuratively) back to their seats, both blushing furiously.

       "That was one of the most embarrassing things I've ever had to go through," said Snape, not bothering to take a bite of the bacon Smith had just passed to him.

       "I know," said Smith, taking Snape's serving of bacon. "I've been embarrassed before, but not like this. I mean, Dumbledore actually called me insane, but I'm not." Smith sighed and pushed his plate away and continued to confide in Snape.

       "All my life, people have been teasing me because I frolic around everywhere, always smiling. They think that because I come up with sick jokes and annoying songs because I am crazy, and the reason I always smile is because I couldn't have a care in the world, and I don't know about all the horrible happenings and that I am just an ignorant fool. But I'm not. I care about people, about the victims of You-Know-Who, and Global Warming. I care about animals being endangered, and I care when other people are sad. I just don't show it, because I figure nobody cares that I care, or something like that. But I was wrong," Snape could clearly see Smith was choking back tears. "Everyone hates me, and everyone thinks I'm an idiot. Even Dumbledore, who I thought was the only man I could trust, thinks I'm insane." Finally, Smith broke out into tears.

       Snape was in pure shock. He hadn't known that Smith actually felt like that. Snape patted him on the shoulder gently.

       "I'm sure Dumbledore didn't mean to upset you," he said. "Maybe he just wanted to get the point across to the students-like, don't fight- and he was just using us as an example. He wanted to scare everyone, and I'm sure he didn't mean it when he called us insane. I mean, the man is a bit mad himself." Snape felt guilty about saying this, but this was his first pep talk and it was hard.

       "Thanks, Snape," sobbed Smith. "Really, I appreciate it. But I just need to…to…" Suddenly, Smith smiled and stopped sobbing. He stood up, walked up in front of the High Table, and shouted "I NEED TO DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNCEEE!" His arms were wide open and his head was pointed up to the ceiling. Two spotlights fell on him, and the Great Hall became dark. Finally, Smith broke out into a song to the tune of "Get This Party Started".

_I need to dance_

_So I better learn the steps_

_I need to dance _

_So I better learn the steps._

       Smith started to leap across the stage, and the spotlights followed him.

_I need to dance on a Friday morning_

_Everybody's waiting for me to boogie_

_I'm waiting for the DJ to stop_

_So I can request my favorite song_

_I got lots of moves_

_Check out my groovy hustle_

_I can move for hours_

_If I don't need to pee_

       "EEEEWWW!" shouted everyone in the Great Hall, except Dumbledore, who appeared to be enjoying the song.

_I need to dance_

_So I better follow the steps_

_I need to dance_

_So I better follow the steps_

       Smith did a weird feet thing that looked…well…weird. He was moving his arms up a down like a chicken and kicking his feet backwards.

_Pumping up on chicken_

_Getting into the beat_

_I'm doing the Electric Slide_

_With my feet_

_My arms are freaking_

_As I'm doing the robot_

_I'll be getting ladies_

_You'll be sitting aside, gathering fungus_

       "This is disturbing," Snape heard McGonagall whisper to Professor Flitwick. Flitwick nodded his head up and down very fast. Snape had to agree.

_Pull ups in mid-air are fun to do_

_I am the all-man, until you do!_

       "HUH?" asked everyone in the Great Hall at the same time, while Smith did the Hustle again.

_I need to dance_

_So I better follow the steps_

_I need to dance_

_So I better follow the steps_

       "This is getting annoyin'," Snape heard Hagrid tell Dumbledore. Dumbledore did not answer.

_Making my smoothie isn't easy to do_

_At least not while I'm dancing away_

_Pumping my arms in the air like I don't care_

_Everyone's not dancing, 'cause they're staring at me_

_I'm your Dancing Rain Man_

_Send me an owl anytime_

_I will give you free lessons, unless you decline_

       Finally, it looked like Dumbledore couldn't take it anymore. He burst out laughing. Smith took no notice of this and clucked loudly as he did the Chicken Dance all around the stage in a continuous motion.

_I need to dance_

_So I better follow the steps_

_I need to dance_

_So I better follow the steps_

_CHA!_

       With that, Smith struck a pose: he was on bended knee, his arms in the air. He was grinning madly.

       Everyone (yes, even Snape) applauded loudly and cheerfully. Several whoops rang out in different places.

       Smith stood up, bowed, and walked back to his seat. The lights came back on and the spotlights died away.

A/N: And so, here ends another chapter of Professor Smith-He's Back. But, there's more! Yes! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!


	7. It Rolls Around the World

Chapter 6

It Rolls Around the World

Another Smith Song (though shorter than the last one)

A/N: I don't own Smile and Say Hello. I also don't own Snape's line to the first years. I own Marissa Grouch, Holly Eisenhower, Mitchell Phoenix, Scott MilkyWay, and Chris Grizzly.

       Snape smirked as he exited the Great Hall after breakfast (A/N: Hey, I said NO MORE breakfast, but I had to mention it! No more after this! I promise!) and headed to his classroom. He stopped halfway and ran up to the third floor to go change his robes.

       He ran up to his portrait of the surfer dude, who had removed his beanie cap and had given it to the painting across the hall.

       "Password, dude?" asked the surfer.

       Snape started to sing a song "Smile and say hello-everywhere you go! Smile and say hello everywhere you go!"

       The surfer dude smiled bigger and swung forward to admit him. Snape climbed into the portrait hole and ran toward his bedroom.

       Snape threw on one of his black robes and ran toward his classroom.

       Everyone was already there, talking and giggling. It was a couple of first year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws.

       "There will be no foolish wand waving, or silly incantations in this class," he declared as he strode into the room.

       "Um, Professor Snake?" said a tiny voice in the corner of the room. The tiny voice belonged to Holly Eisenhower, a Hufflepuff. She was raising her hand.

       "Yes?" Snape sighed. He hated it when people interrupted his speeches and also got his name wrong.

       "You…you…you told us that speech…the first day of the year," said Holly, her tiny voice even tinier.

       "Oh, yes," said Snape, suddenly remembering. "Thank you, Miss Eisenhower. Five points from Hufflepuff." Holly looked flabbergasted, but Snape paid no attention to this and gave the class instructions.

       "Today, we will learn about the Scale Potion," bellowed Snape "This potion will turn your skin not into skin, or scaly skin, but into scales." The class looked confused. Snape sighed "Can't you get what I'm trying to tell you?" A couple of Ravenclaws shook their heads.

       "Mr. Grizzly!" Snape shouted suddenly, turning to a cowering Hufflepuff. His name was Chris Grizzly. (A/N: Based on one of my friends Chris. His last name isn't Grizzly, though.) He was tall and shy and never talked to anybody except for his best friend, Scott MilkyWay. (A/N: Based on my friend Chris' best friend, who is my friend and…oh, never mind.)

"Y-yes, sir?" mumbled Chris.

       "Tell me, Grizzly, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" asked Snape, standing over Chris like a threat to his life.

       "Um…you would get…um…" Chris appeared to be thinking hard. Of course, he wasn't (Snape doesn't know this), he knew the answer, but he didn't want to come off as a show-off (smart kid).

       "The Draft of the Living Dead?" asked Chris, pretending to be uncertain.

       "Grizzly, where would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?" asked Snape.

       "Um…the stomach of a goat? I think…it's used to…um…it will protect you from most poisons, or something like that, I think." said Chris, not making eye contact with Snape.

        "And, Grizzly, what is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?" asked Snape.

       "Um…I think they're the same plant, also known as aconite." muttered Chris, still staring at the floor. 

       "Very good, Mr.Grizzly," said Snape with approval. He moved onto the next student.

* * * * * *

       Later, at lunch (A/N: Ha! See? I told you!) Snape walked into the Great Hall. Smith waved wildly to him, waving his bag in the air. Snape noticed it was a new bag. Snape sat next to Smith and took a closer look at the handbag. It was lemon yellow, and it had lemon ornaments hanging from the edges.

       "Very lemon fresh," commented Snape, and took a bite of a hamburger. It was a Muggle Feast today. Some of the Slytherins didn't look too happy. Draco Malfoy was complaining loudly to his friends Crabbe and Goyle. Everyone could hear what he was saying, and some Muggle-borns were glaring at him, eyes full of distaste.

       "So, pal!" Smith nearly shouted. "You get my present?"

       "What present?" asked Snape. Suddenly, a brown barn owl dropped a package on his lap. It was large and round. Snape was curious and unwrapped it slowly. It was a-

       "Beach ball!" bellowed Smith at the top of his lungs, beaming at him. Then, for no reason, Smith waved his arms in the air. He got up and a spotlight turned on.

       "_Here_ we go," said Snape, as Smith started prancing around, swishing his auburn robes.

La la la la la 

_It rolls around the world_

La la la la la And everyone is playing 

_La la la la la_

_It rolls around the world_

_La la la la la_

_It is my beach ball_

_Just like la la la la la_

_It rolls around the world_

_Just like my brother is a fraud_

_And like my mother is broad_

_La la la la la_

_It rolls around the world_

_WWN is playing songs_

_And everyone is singing_

_La la la la la_

_It rolls around the world_

_Just la la la la la_

_My head is banging against the_

_La la la la la_

_It rolls around the world!_

       Suddenly, Smith started rolling all over the floor, giggling insanely.

       "STOP!" shouted Snape, laughing as he hurried over to Smith picked him up by the arms. They were both laughing like idiots. Everyone was staring at them. Snape was aware that Malfoy was muttering under his breath "This is so embarrassing," but Snape didn't care. He was having a grand old time.

       After they both stopped laughing, everyone stopped staring at them and continued eating lunch. Smith and Snape looked at each other and burst out laughing again. No one noticed this time. (A/N: This happens all the time with my friends and me.)

       They continued to giggle long after lunch was over, when they both realized they had classes to teach and they scurried off, still chuckling, but covering their mouths to muffle the sound.

* * * *

Snape entered the classroom, trying to hide the fact that he was smiling. This time, it was third year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs.

"Now," he said, choking back his laughter. "Today…" Suddenly, a girl named Marissa Grouch took two Pringles (A/N: My disclaimer- don't want Pringles, don't own Pringles. Got it?) and put them in her mouth in a certain way, so that she looked like a duck. Her friend Mitchell Phoenix quacked loudly.

That was the last straw. Snape burst out laughing. He couldn't control himself. He was rolling around on the floor, laughing himself hoarse. The joke wasn't even that funny, but Snape didn't care. He continued to laugh during the whole lesson. When the bell rang, Snape headed to Dumbledore's office, planning to ask him for the day off because he was so giggly; almost anything could set him off. To add to that, Fred and George Weasley were in his next class, and they were jokesters. He wouldn't be able to survive that class.

"Fizzing Whizbees!" Snape told the gargoyle. It jumped aside and Snape entered.

"Enter, if you dare," said Dumbledore. Snape entered, trying to hold back the giggles that were residing in his stomach.

"Headmaster," said Snape. "I am feeling quite…strange…today. May I take the day off?"

"Of course, Severus," replied Dumbledore, stroking his beard. "Until you feel better…" Dumbledore waved his hand towards the door.

'Thank you, Headmaster." Snape bowed and rushed down the stairs and into his quarters, where he collapsed on his bed, laughing hysterically.

A/N: That is the end of another chapter! Were you surprised at what happened? I surprised myself, actually…I didn't think I was going to write that… oh well. More coming soon!


	8. The End?

Chapter 7

The End?

        Professor Smith looked at his goldfish bowl blankly. He didn't understand how the little goldfish managed to eat the little specks of food he put in there…

        Suddenly, Smith heard knocking. Smith turned away from the goldfish bowl and instead stared at the door blankly. Did someone want to come in? How could the sound reach his room, anyway?

        KNOCK KNOCK. Finally, Smith got up and opened the door.

        It was Snape.

        "Snape!" shouted Smith, surprised. "Come in, sit down…"

        "No thanks, Smith, I'm busy. But I was passing by and I thought, you know…" said Snape, wringing his hands nervously.

        "You thought what?" asked Smith cheerfully.

        "I just wanted to say…I…um…" said Snape, trying to look casual but instead looked extremely anxious.

        "That you'd what?" asked Smith, now curious.

        "That…you're not such a bad guy, and…um…I'm sorry…and…yeah," said Snape.

        "Oh," said Smith. "Well, see you around, Snape." Smith closed the door and smiled.

        Snape would change his mind…next year…

THE END

A/N: Yes, this was a very short chapter. But you gotta wait until Smith 3 comes out! Of course, that's not going to be the title, and there's going to be two versions of the story: Smith POV and Snape's POV. Why? Because there's going to be an unexpected twist…well maybe not TOTALLY unexpected. But still. Anyways, so long! And review!


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